Scouse Bird Problems – How to meet a man

Posted On: 28/01/2014

By: Scouse Bird

Now it’s nearing the time of year every singleton dreads, I thought it high time to write another dating blog.

I was recently approached by a dating website to take on a challenge; find 3 men within 3 months in 3 different ways. They let me cheat on one of them and use their dating website ( although keeping it Scouse I signed up to their splinter website….although there were people coming up in the searches from Runcorn an tha’ so I might suggest a ‘Just Scouse’ version where people have to upload a picture of their wheelie bin before they’re accepted on the site. Actually, I’ll save that for Dragons Den). Here’s the result of my challenge. Some names have been changed for anonymity purposes.

Man 1 – Just Merseyside Singles

This was a stealth operation. Naturally I had to use my real name and picture so I wanted to fly in and fly out like a online dating ninja in case my identity was rumbled. It was rumbled, within less than 24hrs but the lad in question seemed sound and didn’t say anything. The operation continued. At first I was getting chatted up by all sorts, 2 guys proposed marriage to me on their first message – I appreciate the bold gesture but I’ll have to pass guys and there was also a persistant 70 year old. I found the filter option pretty quickly which allows you to set the ages and location of people who are allowed to message you which was a big help in swerving the wools. The only thing missing in my eyes was a ‘wrongun’ filter – again, I’m saving that for Dragons Den. I did have one lad who messaged me asking to see more photos and when I looked he hadn’t actually filled in ANY of his profile info, “Yeh sound lad, I have a plethora of photos for you right here but can I see some height specifications first?” Chancer. Anyway in the end I got chatting to a guy called Martin and we went the Ship & Mitre (which I think is the ideal first date destination – see here for why). Martin is a singer in a local open mic night and he actually suggested we go do karaoke….er no lad, I’m not doing karaoke with anyone who earns money from singing, unless of course you fancy being the Jamie Foxx to my Kanye cos Golddigger be my jam! Either way we had a boss night and a good laugh but it turns out we weren’t really looking for the same thing at the moment. He was after settling down and I’m a bit like a rolling stone gathering no moss at the moment ie I haven’t got the time, my life’s too unpredictable for now. I do prefer justmerseysidesingles to another dating website I’ve used in the past who claim that fish are a plenty – gobshites and sex cases are a plenty more like – the clientele on justsingles seem a bit more into ACTUALLY dating, which helps.

Man 2 – Tweet a celebrity

One of the benefits of Twitter is having unfettered, direct access to celebrities – why not use and abuse it? So I had a little tweet flirt every now and again with a certain, tall, good looking reality TV star named Danny. After a “chance” (yeh right) meeting on a night out we decided to go for a drink in Hannahs bar around Xmas/New Year time. He turned out to be extremely funny and genuine and even asked my opinion on whether or not he should have a beard. I held his hands, stared deep into his eyes and said “Danny, you’re a beautiful, beautiful man, but it’s hell no to a beard, don’t hide that handsome face.” Suffice to say the beard project became history after that. The wine was flowing and we were mid conversation when my foot suddenly slipped and kicked the table and Danny’s RED wine went flying all over him, all down his jeans. I was absolutely mortified. I didn’t know what to do! He took control of the situation by picking up my white wine and swilling me with it. Now we were even. I could’ve stormed out but I actually found it hilarious so the two of us were sat there, crying laughing, covered in wine. Nice. We took a romantic stroll down Bold St and saw some fella dressed as Santa having his tea, Danny ran over to the window, dropped his kecks and mooned Santa. He mooned Santa!!! Coal for you lad. Who knew he was such a loose cannon? It’s worth pointing out at this point that I’m talking about Danny Latimer from Scousewives not Danny O from TOWIE….but I proper had you going didn’t I?

Man 3 – Go to watch a local band

I’m going to point out from the off that this wasn’t a date, more of a guaranteed* way to pull a man. *not at all guaranteed. I went out for a meal with the girls a few weeks ago and we decided to go an watch The Sterlings, a local band who play at the Bierkeller all the time. They came over to chat to us at the half time interval and I met their new drummer Carl who’s a bit fit. We got chatting and we had a little innocent flirt, I believe there’s a big difference between flirting for fun and flirting with intent; this was definitely just for fun. As I previously mentioned I’m dead busy at the moment so I’m not really looking for anything and Carl is….well I’ll tell you in a minute. Anyway we got chatting about twitter etc and he said he’s a technophobe, he only just set an e-mail address the week before, even though he works on computers all day. I asked him what he worked as and he said ‘for the government’. My mind then jumped to the conclusion that he must work for MI6 so I asked if he was actually a spy from Kasakhstan. He was quite offended that I thought he looked like Borat so I offered to read his palm to make it up to him. I want to confess that I have no background in palmistry whatsoever but I developed a chat up technique/ice breaker many years ago in the Yates in Bootle and found it so funny that I like to break it out every now and again. I took his hand and started telling him about his life, “You have a very deep head line which means you’re very head strong, your love line is intersected twice which means you’re gonna have two great loves in your life, so if you’ve already had them, tough. You’ll have 3 children. Your lifeline actually has two lines running parallel so you feel like you’ve been living a double life.” He nodded enthusiastically, “Yes, yes that’s all totally me.” I had him; time to deliver the killer line. Literally. “Your life line converges back into one here so it’s like you’ve finally found your place in life, but then it ends very suddenly so it means…you’re going to die soon.” The look on his face was priceless. I burst out laughing and confessed it was all a load of bollocks. But hey, he’ll never forget me! Within 10 minutes he was trying to teach me how to play the drums, it was just like the scene out of Ghost with the potters wheel, except I’ve got zero rhythym so he was on a pointless mission. Either way…turns out Carl’s married. Dunno how I missed that ring when I was palm reading hahaha! Anyway, I think at least one of the other band members are single, so The Sterlings, get on them girls.

Go forth and meet your Prince Charmings.


Scouse Bird


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