Posted On: 14/08/2012
By: Scouse Bird
Keyboard warriors, we’ve all seen them, we all feel badly ashamed for them. Whether they’re tweeting a celeb with millions of followers saying “I hate you, you’re a slag.” thinking they’re actually gonna read it and be cut to the core or it’s someone announcing they’re unfollowing you cos they don’t like something you’ve said. Either way, no ones arsed lad. Just do it quietly.
I mean if you’re gonna tweet a celeb with something funny, I’m all for that. I actually don’t mind Gemma and Lydia from TOWIE but I will rip them for the sake of comedy. Generic insults that could be used for anyone are shit and meaningless though. “You’re a slag” – Bad, “Lydia you were obviously shit at colouring in as a child judging by ur inability to stay within the lines, sort your fuckin lippy out.” – Good.
Most of these melts are only after one thing, a reaction. So then they can gain publicity and followers. Seriously you’re as see though as a fuckin freezer bag from home and bargain, do you think I’m fuckin soft? 9 times out of 10 I’ll just ignore these people but if I feel they’re especially gimpy I might reply to them on my personal account, which doesn’t have nearly as many followers by the way, and stage a hostile takedown.
I find most people don’t have the wit to go toe to toe with me in a keyboard duel but it’s funny watching them have a go. I mean there’s a few I fear, I wouldn’t like to meet @ponderthepoint or my brother in a dark cyber alley or anything. I’d deffo get stabbed with a cyber knife.
I remember gettin into a duel with some cocky little slag once on my @boobleyboo account and she started bragging to ponder sayin “I’ll win.” Will ya love yeh? I fuckin owned the bitch within 3 tweets and ponder was DM-ing me buzzing off her. Sit down and shut up. She now follows me on @scousebirdprobs….soz aba u child.
Then there was the time I had observed a twitter war going on between some girl and a woman cos the girl had been shaggin the womans fella. A few weeks later I made a joke to @TinheadFTM regarding blowjobs and this bint tried to front me sayin I was wrong – well a quick “If you knew how to give blowies ur fella wouldn’t be bangin the bird from the pub” soon shut her up. Boom love. Take a seat.
Then you’ve got the unfollowers. These people think you’re genuinely arsed about them. These people seem to think that you will take a personal affront to the fact that you will now no longer have them invisibly following you. Tweets usually go along the line of this, “Unfollowed. You are boring me.” Right for a start you don’t employ me. You don’t PAY me to be funny. You don’t HAVE to follow me. You have no right to demand anything from me. If I’m boring you, it’s sound, fuck off. You just worry about entertaining your 7 followers and I’ll worry about the other 36k of them. I’m sure you have enough problems going through life as an egg anyway.
Another one I get occasionally is “I’ve heard you’re actually such and such from round by ours therefore I’m unfollowing you.” I mean what’s that got to do with the price of fish? I could be some bad wool from Runcorn sittin off with me greasy side pony and me Kappa tracky and crop top but if you find my tweets and blogs funny then what’s it matter? I’m not by the way. *Runs outside and checks she still has a purple wheelie bin* Plus the amount of these ‘guesses’ are way waaay off the mark anyway so see ya later, hater. If you’re really that bothered by who you ‘think’ I am, unless we’ve got beef in real life why would you be arsed anyway?
So basically what I’m tryin to say is if you unfollow me, I won’t miss you. I’m norassed, so do it quietly. However by the same token to all my followers who love my tweets and blogs, you’re all sound and may your tans never go streaky.
@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs