Scouse Bird Problems – How To Take Control Of Your “Can't Cope!” Life

Posted On: 03/09/2015

By: Chloe Webster

Sometimes our lives can feel like they’re spiralling out of control. Here are some dead quick life hacks to help you feel like you’re back in the driving seat…


Wear matching underwear

There’s no logical reason for this, but the feeling of wearing matching underwear puts a massive spring in your step. Many women express themselves through their underwear. It doesn’t matter if you’re the CEO of the itty-bitty titty committee or if you could rival Kelly Brook on a good day, as long as you underwear matches you can take on anything and anyone. You are in complete control of your life. You’ll be a new woman and vow that you’ll never go back to peasant pants. However within 3 days you’re back to bottom of the barrel knickers because it’s washday and your enthusiasm has faded just like your 4-year-old M&S underwear, you scruffy hussy.


Change the loo roll in your house

You are basically the backbone of this household. You feel like Erin Brockovich. You do everything and all whilst managing to look groomed to the nines. You’ll have people gasping, “I just don’t know how she does it!”

Make to do lists

If you’re at work or even just a home, making a to-do list is a sign of maturity and complete control. Even the smallest of tasks go onto the to-do list…. tidy room, book eyebrow appointment, fake tan every inch of my body and soul, peel the glue of my false lashes and use them again tonight. Even if you’ve already done a pretty minuscule task before writing your to do list, you add it on, because striking through it with your pen is such a liberating feeling. Your productivity is at an all time high and you should basically be considered for chief commissioning officer of the Sassy gal society.


Wash your hair without procrastinating for 3 hours beforehand.

Sometimes I think I’d rather sit a GCSE maths algebra exam than wash my hair. There are only so many days you can get away with blasting your roots with dry shampoo or try and get away with the “slicked back Kendal Jenner. (But it’s really a mass build up of grease)” look. However there are some days where you just jump in the shower without having a tantrum beforehand. This deserves a pat on the back and a glass of Prosecco, you’ve earned it girl.

Get out of the shower/bath and get into clothes straight away.

This is only for people with complete control over their life. To be able to resist the temptation of curling up naked into the fetal position on your bed instead of getting dressed is only for the strongest of beings. The magnetism of the bed and wanting to lie there and think about every mistake you’ve ever made is a fierce one. Overcome this and you have successfully obtained control.


Get your nails done

Whether its gels, acrylics or a just a file and polish, getting your nails done makes you feel like a whole new woman. You’re basically Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. ; An unstoppable sassy force of nature. Getting your stilettos sharpened is like going through spiritual cleansing. Namaste Bitches, Namaste.


Fold your clothes straight from the dryer 

If this isn’t done straight away then you’ve plunged yourself into a never ending cruel cycle of transferring the clothes from the bed to the chair at night time because you need somewhere to sleep, and then transferring the clothes from the chair to the bed because you need somewhere to sit. Don’t even get me started on placing your clean pile and dirty pile next to each other. They will form one pile and breed overnight. It’s just science.

Call someone important up without thinking “please don’t pick up, please don’t pick up”

Dentist, doctors, Skype interviews; our social interaction has become less and less since the invention of the Internet, which has resulted in us all becoming fearful of actual phone conversations. What do you mean I have to call up and make an appointment? Can’t I just whatsapp you? The dialing of the phone, the dry mouth, the incessant shrill ring of the dial and the whole time you’re thinking, “please go to voicemail, please go to voicemail. Don’t make me interact with humans today please God. “Get over this, and you are an independent female who don’t need no fear of phone calls because she is in complete control *snap snap*


Get your eyebrows done

If like me, you let them grow out to caterpillars because Queen Cara Delavigne allows it and to be honest you’re just to lazy to contemplate plucking the strays away every day, then getting your eyebrows done is like being baptised. It’s a spiritual awakening to the world. You went from a fuzzy cave woman to a sleek, strong foxy goddess. Your eyebrows are so good they should get airtime, everyone must know about your arch. You’ll vow never to go back to your over grown monstrosities but 3 weeks down the line your back to an empty benefit brow compact because you’ve used it all filling in the gaps on your yeti brows. However for that brief period, getting your brows groomed made you feel like you had complete control over your life and asking yourself why haven’t you been scouted by a major agency yet to be a brow model. Like, what is wrong with the world?


Drink a cup of green tea 

I am honestly the most pure being on this earth; I can feel the toxins escaping my body right in this moment. Health is a lifestyle. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just demolished a KFC family bucket meal on your own, as long as you have one cup of green tea then it cancels it all out. Gods honest truth.

Keep it sassy and in control…

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