Ladies, do you often find yourself wondering what goes on in a man’s head? Are they really that stupid? What do they think about? What do they want? Well look no further as I may have a few answers for you. Being the only gay guy in a group of straight male friends I hear and see it all. Maybe you’ll learn something new; maybe you’ll see we aren’t really that bad…
You get all giddy when around a guy who is self assured and confident right? Well men like it too believe it or not. We can see right through a girl who plays dumb to get a man’s attention, don’t do it! The novelty of a pretty face soon fades so acting ditzy will wear thin quickly and we’ll be off. My boys all agree on 3 things that women should embrace. One is banter; a girl who can dish it out and not act the precious princess is hot, full stop. Two, chat us up! You won’t look desperate you’ll look self assured and sexy. A man is ruled by his ego, being chatted up is great for that and you’ll have his attention straight away. Just a quick ‘I like your shirt/hair’ can lead to something exciting.
We love girls who don’t trowel on the slap! Be confident with your natural selves. Don’t get us wrong you look cracking when you’re all done up ready for a night out but when you’re at home in your sweats messing around with us on the sofa, that’s our girl and when you look the best. ‘Happiness always shines through’ yeah, spread that cheese on a cracker but it’s true.
The majority of us hate it (I do and I’m gay). Seriously. ‘Let’s go town’ fills us with dread like when you hear ‘Boys night out’. How many barnies have you had with your fella after shopping? One day you want to be skinny like Kate Moss, the next you want a Kimmy K arse. So when you ask if your bum looks big, we shit ourselves! What should we say? Save yourselves the hassle and just go with your mates, make it a girlie day. That way you’re not going to spend the day secretly fuming and declaring ‘I’M FINE’ every five minutes.
Christian Grey? Prick. Jealousy? Ha hell no, men don’t get jelly over a fictional character. It’s the double standards that get on our tits. If we want to get kinky you flip and set the laptop on fire so we can’t watch anymore degrading grot online. What if we were to tell you what to eat? What to wear? Sell your car? Track your whereabouts on your phone? Hand over a sexual contract full of BDSM that includes anal fisting? ‘Fuck that shit you crank’ you’d be raging. But if it’s a good looking billionaire with a big old wang it’s fine yeah?
We put our hands up we don’t get subtlety. We can be dense. A flick of your hair and a coy smile doesn’t make us think you’re interested; you need to literally high five us in the face with your minge. ‘I need an early night’ doesn’t translate to us to run you bath and do the washing up. And if you want a new pair of shoes for your birthday, don’t leave your scuffed up ones in the middle of the room thinking we’ll get the hint. Print out the webpage, circle the ones you want and sellotape it to every surface available in the house!
Not from just ladies but society in general. We always have to be super masculine. We actually quite like Mean Girls and Katy Perry has some good tunes under her belt, but we’d never admit it. Have you ever been called fat? Did it hurt? Does it still hurt now? At least you had your bezzies to vent about that little gobshite to. If a guy tried telling his mates he got called maggot dick, captain crap shag or that he’s basically a woman because he’s under 6ft tall and doesn’t have a beard, he would have the shit ripped out of him. We have to keep things bottled up, as it’s deemed ‘gay’ or ‘unmanly’ to show emotion. ‘Shut up and man up’ is the general attitude. Ladies I’m calling on you to try help change this. If any male friends or your bloke seems a bit off or down, encourage them to speak up. Men between the ages of 20-34 are at higher risk of depression related suicide and in 2013, 78% of all suicides were male. These guys are your brothers, friends, uncles and boyfriends. Be grateful that you have a great circle of friends you can tell anything, because it can be different for the fellas.
So there you have it, a little insight into the minds of men. Were you expecting it to be just tits, arse and footy?