Scouse Bird Problems – Is Your Relationship Doomed? Spoiler: Yes it is

Posted On: 15/10/2015

By: Scouse Bird

If you have to ask yourself if your relationship is doomed then spoiler… yes it probably is.

As women we can spend hours, days, weeks, months and in some extreme cases, years trying to figure out a man. We’ll make excuses for his behaviour to make ourselves feel better and justify sticking around because the heart wants to, even when the head is sat in the corner drumming her perfectly manicured nails and eye rolling from here to the moon. We try and read between the lines of his behaviour even though there’s nothing there to read – come on, this is men we’re talking about. They’d like to have us think that they’re complicated creatures but it’s just another layer of smoke in the games that keep us dangling after them.

Much like poker, once you know the signs to look for you can fold and walk away from the table. These are dead easy things to spot and come on girl YOU KNOW THEM ALREADY! Listen to that head for once, it’s much smarter than the heart…

The 25 ‘Tells’ Of A Man Who’s Wasting Your Time

  1. He always places his phone face down when he’s with you
  2. He gives you his phone passcode but has to reset his phone and change it a lot due to ‘phone problems’
  3. He’s always texting when he’s with you and it’s to some generic name like ‘Mick’ or ‘John’ from work
  4. He has message preview turned off
  5. Whatspp notifications are muted
  6. He puts on ‘Do not disturb’ as soon as he’s with you
  7. When he’s with you his phone is never out of his hand but he takes hours to reply to a text, if at all.
  8. He’s still on Tinder or POF and claims he doesn’t know how to deactivate.
  9. He’s got 2000 mates on Facebook and 75% of them are ‘girls he used to work with’.
  10. He’s constantly out ‘with the lads’ and barely ever makes time for you.
  11. You only see him at 4am when he’s on his way home from town.
  12. He only ever comes round to watch a DVD and have a takeaway – because he wants sex without having to wine and dine you.
  13. You only ever see him mid-week on a last minute basis. You’re not special enough for his weekends.
  14. if he’s saying all the right things eg ‘I love spending time with you’, ‘you’re amazing’ and especially ‘I love you’ but doesn’t want to get into a relationship with you then move along. He’s a dick.
  15. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and yet wants to see you 5 times a week.
  16. He’s secretive about his life outside you and him – you don’t know much about him.
  17. It’s been a while and he’s made no effort to introduce you to his friends or family or made an attempt to meet yours. This isn’t like you’re asking him on a family holiday but going round for a roast at some point is NOT an unreasonable request.
  18. He’s really nice to you, up until he has sex with you, then he just turns into a bit of a prick and you can’t figure out why. It’s just how some lads operate, they get the goods and then they’re pricks to make it seem like the female is the problem. Manipulative little fucks.
  19. You’ve been seeing him for like 3 or 4 months and he’s got no intention of making you his girlfriend – come on, he should have at least skirted around it at this point. This also applies if you’ve been dating for years and he won’t even entertain the thought of commiting any further – like living together or marriage etc.
  20. He goes on the missing list and maintains complete radio silence for days or weeks at a time and then just pops up again and acts like nothing’s happened.
  21. You make a big effort for his birthdays and Xmas but he forgets yours or gets you a shit cuddly toy from the card shop.
  22. Your friends DESPISE him, because they can see everything about him that you’re oblivious to.
  23. He goes out to town with his mates and knows you’re out with yours and he does everything in his power to make sure you don’t meet up.
  24. You’re always hearing rumours about him and other girls.
  25. He’s ever been violent to you in any way – Like what the fuck girl?

Obviously some of the things on this list, in isolation, don’t necessarily mean he’s a king gobshite but a lot of them are instant dealbreakers. If only we could see the future and know for certain what to do when we’re really into someone and all the signs are screaming that they don’t feel the same way but we’re still like, “Oh but his ex bird was a proper crank so he’s scared of another relationship” (lol good one lads) or “He’s working really hard at the moment and he needs to blow off steam with his mates but it won’t be forever.” (it will).

There’s a world famous psychic who’s gaining quite the following on Instagram for her spot on readings. We asked Alice to give one of the girls in the office a reading – she’d had a particularly gobshite infested year and was beginning to despair of the entire male species. Here’s what happened…

“In the last twelve months I’ve gone through two pretty heavy breakups, moved house four times, started a new job and been on a string of pretty horrendous dates. To say my life feels a bit ‘up in the air’ would be a massive understatement. Now I’m not really one to buy into psychic readings usually, but when the going gets tough, even the tough need a bit of reassurance that maybe everything is happening for a reason. What I definitely didn’t expect was for Alice to hit the nail on the head with everything that was going on in my life at the moment, despite having no information about me besides my name and birthday. Honestly, I was a bit freaked out. She also had some interesting insights into what 2016 has in store for me, and considering she was so spot on with everything else I’m inclined to believe it. Especially as there was a mention of finally meeting a decent lad – hey, maybe the circle of gobshites is finally coming to an end.”

You can follow Alice on Instagram here to see her fab daily general reading or book a reading of your own by e-mailing A gobshite isn’t for life and they’re not even for Xmas… find out what to do once and for all.


Scouse Bird

Hey birds and boys, just leave me your contact details and you won’t miss a single article I post XOXO

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