Scouse Bird Problems – National 'Swerve Your Resolutions' Day

As I’m sitting in Fazenda today having lunch with my boyfriend he made a big announcement; he’s fucking off his low carb diet. He then proceeded to order a big fat pint and pile his plate high with bread. He just became another statistic. This weekend marks the time of year when you’re most likely to give up on your New Year’s Resolutions (if you haven’t already done so of course) and if you can last out ’til Monday then you’re 83 million times more likely to stick to them forever, or something like that.

While my fella sat there fuming about the fact he’s ordinary and predictable I thought about what New Years Resolutions you really shouldn’t give up on.

1. Get healthy – I think this is on most people’s lists. Never mind ‘lose 8 stone’ or ‘be a size 6 for Ibiza’ just concentrate on feeling good about yourself and trust me, eating right and going the gym really helps with this. Don’t worry if you fall off the wagon, today or any other day, just get right back on it and make sure you’re on the wagon more than you’re off it and you’ll get to where you want to be eventually. Whatever you do, don’t fuck up and then think ‘fuck it’ and fuck the whole thing off completely. Beating yourself up isn’t gonna help anyone feel good, least of all you – you’re only human.

2. Quit smoking – Can we please all just do this? If only so I don’t have to look at those disgusting billboards with pictures of rotten flesh oozing out of ciggies. I nearly lose my lunch every time I see one (which to be fair does help with number one). Not to mention the money you’ll have for shoes and the heartbreak you may save your family and friends years down the line – apparently if you give up by the time you hit 30 you can avoid the risk of dying early. I mean, being born Scouse is a gift, don’t throw that shit away. Treat every potential ciggie as a yes or no choice rather than viewing the addiction as an insurmountable monster. Again, if you fuck up, just get right back to it. There’s loads of help available eg NHS stop smoking and Stop smoking hypnosis even.

3. Take your make up off before bed – this is my own personal Everest. I’m one of the laziest bitches you ever did meet and if it’s the difference between getting out of a warm bed to go and remove the days foundation and smokey eye or feeling scuzzy the next morning when you wake up in yesterdays slap… Feeling scuzzy usually wins. A wise friend once told me that every time you fail to take your make up off before bed it creates an invisible wrinkle which will present itself on your 30th birthday. I don’t know if this is true but I’ll find out this year. Wish me luck. I’m gonna try keeping my make up remover next to my bed. While we’re at it, several MUA’s have told me that cleansing cream and cotton pads are FAR FAR kinder to your skin than make up wipes. Just so you know.

4. Have fabulous hair – I have every hair product and every hair gadget under the sun but I can still be found with a head like a burst mattress most of the time. Again, this goes back to me being lazy. There’s really no excuse, between dry shampoo, Cheats guide to great hair and Cheats guide to a curly blow there’s absolutely no reason why we all shouldn’t be swishing our hair round like Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s calling herself these days – couldn’t she have married into a simpler surname?). Let’s ditch the ponies and can’t be arsed buns and have manes of envy always. Deal?

5. Fuck them gobshites off – If he ain’t treating you like a princess then he ain’t your Prince Charming. If we all adopted a zero tolerance policy when it comes to gobshite behaviour then they’d all have to buck their ideas up and be a bit nicer to us, especially if they ever want to get their bits licked again. You deserve better queen, yes you, you reading this, I’m talking to YOU. Fuck that tit right off, once and for all. You’ll look back this time next year and cringe that you even let his mouth near your woo at all.

6. Quit biting your nails – Oh my god this is just sacrilege. A girl’s nails are her pride and joy! I know you can get acrylics and that but Jeez, give your beautician something to work with. Not to mention it’s a bit gross AND annoying as fuck. Get some of that stuff that tastes disgusting or regularly go and get a manicure, it would be a damn shame to wreck a fine set of nails.

7. Travel more – Last year I made a conscious effort to visit as many new places as possible rather than spending all my money on clothes and shoes I’ll wear once or on nights out I won’t remember anyway. It was one of the most fantastic years I’ve even had. Christmas in Barcelona, New Years Eve concert in Dublin, whispering in Mdina – the siient city and swimming in crystal blue waters in Mexico and Comino were just some of my favourite bits – not to mention the ‘poo with a view’ in Florence in a hotel overlooking Il Duomo or the ‘sinking castle’ in Sirmione. My top tip? Ditch the travel agents and use skyscanner for cheap flights and to book your own holidays – it’s much cheaper and you get a really one off experience. Visit my travel section for inspo.

A poo with a view – bathroom window in Hotel Panorama – Florence

‘sinking castle’ – Sirmione, Italy

8. Reprogram your brain – If you have a tendancy to think on the negative side then your life actually has the potential to be so much better with such a small change. Whether you believe in the power of positive thinking to actually influence things in your life or you think it’s a load of shit, stupidity and coincidences – The Secret series of books is still worth a read. Either way, if you follow the steps I guarantee it will change your whole outlook on life into a much happier, positive one. It does take a bit of practive though. Here’s my Secret journey. 

9. Make more time for family and friends – This may actually be my worst trait. I am so bad for ‘replying in my head’ to texts or forgetting to ring people back. It’s not ignorance (ok sometimes it’s ignorance) it’s just, for me personally, being self-employed and loving my job means that sometimes I struggle to get the life/work balance right. Also because my job centres almost solely around my phone sometimes I just want to lash it in a pile of skiddy undies and set the thing on fire – hell no to using it for actual social reasons. Saying that, the grass is green where you water it and friendships need care and maintenance. Your family have kind of got to love you no matter what but it’s for that reason that you should always make time for them too. As you crack on a bit you realise they won’t be around forever, it’s better to give them a ring now rather than one day living with regret at all the things you didn’t say. In fact I’m off to go text my mum and dad right now.


Scouse Bird

Other articles you might like:

12 times when you definitely should lie to your girlfriend

Scouse wedding vows

New Year New Positivity

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