This weekend was a tough one for me, I had a few insults hurled my way by a long term enemy. Some were severe, but one made me laugh. It was said that I am a ‘wool’ masquerading as, and I quote a ‘Desperate Scousewife type.’ Now I am a ‘wool,’ there is no doubt about that. I actually come from Cheshire. But I’ve lived around the Mersey for a good while and I have yet to see a ‘desperate’ Scouse wife, or a ‘desperate’ Scouse husband either for that matter.
But it did make me think. Was I trying to keep up with the Sassy Birds? I know the answer has to be yes. You can’t live here and not at least try, or you’d stick out like a sore thumb. Then that made me think about what I was doing to try to keep up Scouse women? You know like, what do I do now that I’m living here that I wouldn’t have bothered with if I still lived in that little Cheshire town. It is quite a bit actually, but here are the most essential and top five.
Back in Cheshire beauty is a business and has been around for a while. But, it is nowhere near on the scale that it is in Liverpool. In Cheshire, you have waxing, nails and the basic level 2/3 college trained treatments available to you. In Liverpool you have Lashes, Brows, Semi Permanent make up, fillers, Botox, vampire facial peels, boob jobs, tummy tucks and everything else. If you let yourself slide on anything from this list, you feel like and look like a minger. I remember about 15 years ago, when my friend pinned me to her couch and waxed my eyebrows for the first time. She was ripping away screeching ‘EEEE Keeley, it’s like you have eye pubes!’ Ever since then, I have kept up. When waxing brows wasn’t enough, I went for HD Brows. When they weren’t fierce any more, damn it I found myself a brow tattooist. Then I saw her prices and got my lip liner tattooed and following that came the eyeliner (top only of course.)
Then I found Semi Permanent lashes, my personal nemesis, and I spent a fortune on them bastards to have them come off every time my head hit the pillow. Nails, gel and acrylic are like a loaf of bread, a necessity. Spray tans are my addiction, I scare the shit out of the dog every two weeks when I come through the door looking like a chocolate M&M. But lip fillers, wow. The first time I had them my strange mouth absorbed the filler, so the baffled nurse (who turned out to be next door neighbour’s daughter in law,) tried again with a thicker filler. They look fabulous, but because I am prone to bruising, I looked like I had been in a car crash for two weeks. Still, I can’t live without them now. I haven’t had Botox yet, but its next on the list and you can be damn sure if I ever have any money I’ll be getting my boobs lifted.
So yes, it’s hard to keep up with you Sassy Birds. You seem to do it so effortlessly. Your treatments are booked weeks in advance. You have your beauticians and Practitioners on your Christmas lists and I have yet to work out how you do it. You’re on your lunch hour and you’re in the salon with three kids, you never look stressed, the kids know not to bother you and you get the jobs done. Sassy Birds, I salute you!
No, not the condoms, your mates, friends, sisters or cousins. Being from a small ‘wool’ town, gossip is rife. So when I moved here I liked the anonymity. It was refreshing that people didn’t know what time I went for a shit, and which Borough I was born in. I liked it and I stayed quiet. Over the years I have made a few friends but not lots, you lot however, have enough close and personal females to fill Anfield on match day. A night out is like arranging a bus tour for troop of cheerleaders. You don’t do all day trips into town. You do all weekend trips to Majorca. It is the one area I fall down, I can’t keep up with Sassy Birds and their mates no matter how hard I try.
You women can hold your shit together better than some most men and make no bones about it. Wine, Prosecco, Pimms, Vodka, Gin and just frigging anything really, I have seen you master it all and still manage 6inch platforms and perfect eyeliner touch ups. Scouse women don’t wake up in a ditch on a Saturday morning having blanked out – because they always know a cabbie that will get them home. Their mates don’t ditch them, lads don’t pie them (unless they want a serious word with themselves and a sore head.) Their Mums have taught them to get stuck in, but don’t lose your head. You never see a Scouse girl ‘pacing’ herself. The drink like warriors but manage to look like pin ups while you’re doing it. I surrender, I just can’t cope!
Ok I know we’ve covered beauty but hair needs a category all of its own. I first started with extensions about 5 years ago. The amount of money I have spent could have got me a flat on the docks by now. I have had sew INS, micro rings, glue INS, clip INS, micro weaves and a very heavy wig. I can’t blow dry the fuckers myself. I wash them and then leave them hoping for a tousled beach look. What I get is Hermione from Harry Potter in a humid climate. I feel like Scouse girls can make a decent curly blow or a pin curled style last nearly a week. My hair on the other hand drips with grease when I am on the 437 on the way home my blow dry appointment. I just don’t understand.
You shop in packs. I love it. Even if it’s just ‘The Asda.’ I see you all laughing and swapping tips and I don’t know how the hell you do it because shopping time to me consists of headphones in, fuck off face on and time away from interacting with people.
I could go on. I could mention how you handle men, the way you can take three holidays a year on a tight budget and not look tense or worried. The epic hen weekends, the birthday celebrations. The way you have now adopted wetting the baby’s head when you’re up and about. Plus in line with that, the way you have babies and are back in the salon the Friday after getting your hair highlighted and your brows topped up.
Upon reflection, I would say that considering how effortless you all make it look – Sassy Birds are anything but desperate.