Break ups are hard no matter how they end. Whether they end with a bang or just kind of fizzle out like a damp firework (or a limp cock *eyes emoji*), there always going to be a bit of sadness attached and there’s no better way of working this out than turning the music up full blast and howling out the heartbreak.
Here’s a song to suit every break up (warning, it’s gonna be heavy on the Beyonce, she’s a break up genius):
When it’s just kind of fizzled out…
There are no songs which correctly capture this feeling that these two. When you’re no longer in love but still love each other then listen to Jay Mo & Nelly’s (sorry, went all street there) ‘Broken Strings’ and PCD ‘I hate this part’ We’ve all been there. Suck it up, do the right thing and walk away. You both deserve happiness.
When he’s a lying, cheating, scumbag…
This is likely to need a range of songs as the rollercoaster of betrayal, hurt and anger hurtles round its course. I’d recommend Sam Smith – Not the only one for the sad parts, Playing With Fire by N-Dubz (don’t judge, it’s boss) for the betrayal then moving swiftly into Kelis – Caught Out There (AKA ARRGGGGHHHH I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW) for the anger. Ouch.
For the purpose of equality, when YOU’RE a lying, cheating scumbag…
We’re all capable of making mistakes. Even ones that involve another mans dick. You can’t expect your fella to forgive you and take you back, but you could try singing John Newman’s ‘Love Me Again’ full blast at him? Worth a shot. Just keep the vagina closed for business next time yeh?
When he’s a bum…
Honestly, when Beyonce was in Destiny’s Child she kicked out her man for basically being a bum and leaving her with a shit load of bills (NOT that she wanted a man to pay all her bills so sit down meninists and listen to the lyrics) so you’d think she’d have learnt her lesson when it came down to Irreplaceable. At least she got her car and shit back though. I’m all for breaking down traditional gender roles and for the woman to be the breadwinner but make sure he’s contributing in some way and not just playng PS4 and getting bevvied all day like a student. You’re his bird not his Ma.
When he’s thinks he’s god’s gift and he can have you back when he wants you…
You’ve had enough, you’ve swerved him. He’s been treating you like a doormat for years and thinks he can get you back with the click of a finger. Nu-uh honey!
When he’s the one who just won’t go away…
There’s only one thing worse than the one who got away and that’s the one who won’t go away. When a girl’s gone to the trouble of getting a pager just so she can throw it out, it’s safe to say she doesn’t want you. Move along pal. Seriously, be gone!
When he’s a rebound…
You’ve met a fab guy and if things were different, who knows? But he just isn’t your ex. Sorry mate, used up all my feels on the fella before you. Sly.
When he’s publicly trashing you all over the show and he needs putting in his place…
Ok this cringey little reply song came from one half of the chavviest blag couple ever but when he’s slagging you off all over twitter then you just need to tell the world that his dick was shit. He asked for it.
When he still wants to be friends but you’re not over him…
He needs to fuck off out your face for a bit while you get over him but lo and behold, he doesn’t want you but he’s making damn sure that no one else can have you by maintaining just enough contact to keep you hanging on. Diana Ross knows.
When you’re still convinced he may have been the love of your life (it’ll pass)…
This too shall pass, this too shall pass. Until then, there’s Adele.
When you’re tired of waiting around for him to commit…
Commitment-phobia is unfortunately a side effect of terminal gobshite-itis. Make sure you’re not hanging round too long, there’s no point wasting your time on this guy. A man knows who his heart belongs to. so you can cook his food in diamond oil & do back flips on his dick, but if it ain’t you, it ain’t you. Cut your losses and run.
When you didn’t know what you had until it was gone, or more likely, he didn’t…
Hindsight is wonderful thing, but sometimes it’s just too late. Console yourself with Passenger’s Let Her Go and you can either wallow in your self pity or smile that’s he’s wallowing in his…
When he’s fit but has a steaming great turd where his heart should be…
Nice face, shame about the personality. Bye!!!
When you’ve upgraded…
Thank god you didn’t stick with him cos look what you’re rocking these says. Soz lad, moved on to greener pastures. UNLUCKAAAYYY.
When you’re so fucking over him…
There’s only one song that sums up completing your break up journey and that’s the one you play when you realise you’re a strong independent bird who don’t need no gobshite fella. Take it away Queen Bey…
XOXO
