Scouse Bird Problems – The Dangers Of Timehop

Timehop, what a great app right? Wrong! It may seem like it was designed to take us all on a lovely trip down memory lane, but in reality, that sarcastic little dinosaur is mocking us all. “Whoever said your wedding day is the best day of your life obviously hasn’t heard about this day” the dinosaur says. What?! A picture of me tea in 2009 and a retweet from Jesus Christ FTM in 2011 is the best my life is going to get?! Leg it you patronising, pre-historic little bell end! 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but all Timehop serves to do for me is remind me of things I would much rather keep forgotten in the past. Here are my top 7 reasons for why Timehop should be banned. 

Ex Gobshites 

Probably my primary reason for hating this app is the fact that it reminds you of all your exes and the mistakes you made at the time. Whatever emotion you feel towards your ex now, (anger, bitterness, sadness, joy that you’re not stuck faking orgasms any more), it’s still vile to have a little unexpected reminder of your past relationship right there on your phone as you casually check your Timehop on your way to work. There is nothing worse than starting off your Monday morning by seeing a blissfully happy selfie of you and your ex or by reading a maddeningly smug status of how you and ‘your boyf’ (it was 2008, the word ‘boyf’ was still a thing then) are having a date night. Even if you’re in a new relationship now or just totally do not care about your ex anymore, it’s still really weird to be reminded of. You may have deleted every trace of that gobshite from you life at the time of the break up, but now here’s that dinosaur, bringing shit up again.

Your skinny past 

You’re there, eating your Galaxy Caramel at your office desk even though it’s only 9.45am. But who cares right? You look good, you work out (sometimes) and yeah you may have put on a little bit of weight since uni but it’s nothing to worry about. But there is the evidence, right there sitting off in your Timehop. Your Ibiza photos from 2009, your uni nights out in 2008. WHO THE HELL IS THAT SKINNY BITCH?! It’s you, back when you were too busy spending your student loan on shoes (ahem, sorry I mean books) rather than food. The results? A skinny (and younger) you. Will you ever get those collar bones back?! Sob.

Shameful outfit choices

Remember those ‘city shorts’ with that studded belt and matching pointy kitten heels? Remember when you thought it was ok to go to town in three quarter length leggings, a smock dress and ballet flats because it was Aqua Pop Monday in Mood? Remember HOOP EARRINGS?! Yes we remember all those things, and unfortunately we are being reminded of these fashion offences every day when we pick up our phones. And what’s worse? Give it another year or two and we will be looking at the very outfits we have on today and cringing our socks off.

Grammar mishaps

I am the absolute worst when it comes to sniggering and rolling my eyes at people’s illiterate Facebook statues and Tweets. It’s they’re not there you moron!!! Since the invention of Timehop however, the dinosaur has informed me that I used to be that moron. Der woz a lot of dis goin on bk in 2007. There was also a hideous phase I went through when I decided it would be a really unique idea to endd eachh wordd with a doublee lastt letterr. Did anyone else do that or just me?! I have a fricking English degree for crying out loud 

The old me was so much more fun

Ah those days before serious careers, bills, kids, houses and responsibility. Those days when your mate would call you at 10pm suggesting a night out and you would have your heels on and the taxi ordered within 30 minutes. When you would go out on a Thursday night and not get home till Monday morning, hardly remembering a thing. When it was perfectly acceptable to attend Carnage on a Monday night dressed as a porn star with writing all over your boobs. The pictures from these times may be cringey, but they also serve the added purpose of reminding you how hideously dull your life is now. Nice one Timehop.

Hair and make up disasters

Back when contouring wasn’t even in your vocabulary, back when you brushed orange bronzer all over your face, stuck eye gems around your eyes (why, just why?!) and thought a smokey eye was just a thick layer of black eye shadow smudged on your lids because you didn’t even know what a cut crease was! Then there is the hair; the clip in pink streaks or bum length extensions from Paul’s Hair World that you wore pin straight, flat to you head. Those choppy layers that you thought was a ‘Rachel’ but in reality was just verging on a mullet. That dinosaur just loves reminding you what a divvy you was back then.

Cringe worthy statuses

As I’ve got older I put statues up less and less. I’m more of a hoverer on social media now. No one knows I am about as I’m not always posting, but believe me I’m there – always judging. I condescendingly roll my eyes at my younger work colleague’s statues when they post song lyrics to describe their mood or put annoying ominous tweets out there saying things like ‘So upset! Can’t believe what’s just happened!’ (queue 10 comments saying ‘u ok hun?’ followed by the Tweeter replying to a select few, ‘I’ll PM you now babez’). As it turns out though, I was one of these bell ends not that long ago. I participated in the 30 Day Song Challenge for Christ’s sake! Yep, that dinosaur is always there to bring me down a peg or two and remind me of my hideous social media faux pas.

But as much as I loathe Timehop I also can’t seem to delete it, it’s like an accident on the motorway, you know you shouldn’t look but you do anyway. So if you haven’t yet succumbed to the evil that is Timehop, think twice before downloading. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!


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