Scouse Bird Problems – The Late Twenties Wisdom Check

January 16, 2016

Posted On: 05/11/2015

By: Scarlett Wonderland

There’s something about turning 27 that makes you acutely aware that you might actually be turning into a real adult.

It’s quite a subtle transition, but one day you realise that you’re officially in your ‘late-twenties’ and gone are the days of regularly getting the first train home, demented, after a 7 hour dance-a-thon through Liverpool’s gay scene.

It’s not a bad thing either. In all honesty, my Saturday nights no longer feel incomplete if they don’t involve at least one of my friends a) getting into a bar-brawl with a drag queen, b) downing eight shots in the tequila bar, falling down the stairs and clubnecking a wrongun c) borrowing a strangers’ National Insurance card to line up whatever amphetamines they managed to blag off ‘Gary in the black Ford Focus’ d) all of the above.

You also start to notice yourself becoming a bit wiser. Wiser to gobshite behaviour, wiser to how many pairs of shoes you really need for a weekend away and wiser to exactly how many glasses of wine you can handle to avoid lying on the floor of the toilets, one eye closed, texting song lyrics to your ex.

So, before I venture to far over the hill, I thought I should pass on some of the wisdom I’ve gathered through my twenties so far:

Not every girl wants to shag your fella, ladies. Calm down. The sad fact of the matter is, before you took a shine to him/took pity on him, he probably hardly ever managed to get laid at all.

While we’re on the subject; stop being so paranoid about your fella going out with the lads. If truth be told, your fella is probably utterly shit at chatting up birds anyway. In fact, you can probably vouch for this based on your own personal experience. Even if he was the type to try and pull himself a side bird, (and if you’re worried he might be, it might be time to ask yourself why you’re letting the cheeky bastard stick around) he’ll likely be too drunk to approach women with any sort of finesse. It’s just a night out, chill out about it.

People who genuinely don’t give a fuck never feel the need to announce it, or post 300 related quotes on Instagram.

Same goes for people who are genuinely over their exes.

Thongs don’t look good on anyone.

If someone wants to be with you, they’ll be with you. Regardless of the timing, their work commitments, where they live, or whatever other drama’s they’re using as an excuse not to see you. If they’re not making the effort, they’re not arsed. Swerve and move on.

Never – and I can’t stress this one enough – never mix Prosecco and Baileys.

Dress for your size. There’s a fine line between a fitted dress and a sausage casing. Stop worrying about what the label says; if the 10 is too tight just buy the 12. Don’t cut off your blood circulation out of pride.

Don’t stay in a bad relationship because you’re scared of being alone. Feeling a bit lonely because you’re single is much better than feeling alone whilst in a relationship.