Scouse Bird Problems – Wondering Where All The fit Men Are In Liverpool? We Found Their Club…

God bless dating sites for helping us organise getting our end away whilst looking like a solid three; laid on the couch, covered in Dorito dust and shame. Yes, the likes of Tinder, Grindr, Ok Cupid and even Christian Mingle (if you’re more Church & Worship than Netflix & Chill) – they’ve all ensured you can organise your awkward first date at Las Iguanas with just a few screen swipes and without even brushing your hair.

But let’s be honest, these apps may be free and easy, but they’re also a magnet one type of lad: The Fuckboy (Also goes by the name Gobshite) and he’s expecting you to be as free and easy as the app itself. You weed through the creeps and undesirables, finally match with one that’s easy on the eye, and then – BAMN! He ends up being just another 13 stone of gobshite, masquerading as an eligible bachelor.

I grabbed my single partner in crime who was also bored of cringing every time ‘Baz, 47’ slid into our inboxes, with a winky face emoji and a tendency to spell it ‘gawjus’. We decided it was time to play the dating game the old fashioned way. Cast your mind back to a time before the Internet was your wingman; remember having to get dolled up and flirt in bars to get a date sorted? Our parents swear this was the way everyone met in their day (Don’t get my mum started – she can make being bought half a lager in a smoky social club sound like the work of Jane Austen). We thought it was worth a shot, this ‘meeting men IRL’ malarkey.

Naturally, we wanted a helping hand with our quest to find the cream of the crop of Scouse singles – Enter The Luna Card. This exclusive members only scheme (*Nail Paint Emoji*) ensures those lucky enough to be accepted in after applying for a card, get access to prestigious offers and deals in clubs and bars across Liverpool. Not only that, as the weeks go on, the likes of apartments, hair salons and tailors are becoming additions to the card – The Luna Card can assist you with anything from pre-party pampering to deciding where you’ll be laid nursing your hangover after abusing the drinks offers.

Wait. Before you get excited and start planning your nights out with your Luna Card, remember not everyone who applies is accepted; Current clients range from dentists and accountants to sports stars and presenters – this is certainly no club for Baz and his aubergine emojis. The Luna Card is not just a status symbol; with Red Door, Ink, Blind Tyger, Signature Living, Carpathia Champagne Bar & restaurant already just a few of the members on the books, and with more being added by the day, it’s an actual time and money saver. With one of the quirky designed cards in your possession, you’ll never have to queue, pay entry fees or purchase full price drinks again. That is, if you meet the criteria to be a member of course – the exact criteria is a well guarded secret…

We tested a few of the bars on the card to see what it’s like to pull the old fashioned way, all with an elite edge. 


Where? The Docks 

The Luna Deal? Queue jump, free entry and 2-4-1 cocktails all night. (Also you can get a Magnum of Grey Goose and two bottles of Verve for £360 along with 25% off food – if you’re a big bucks baller)

Circo is the North West’s most unique circus themed venue. Based at the city’s historic Albert Dock, Circo has become legendary for it’s Freakshow (a 3 course dinner with entertainment from all nature of circus acts… apart from clowns. No one likes clowns), but how does it shape up as a venue for those looking to try out the ‘So, do you come here often?’ routine? Well, there’s no better way to start the night than cocktails on the docks. Whatever the season, the waterfront is always a jaw droppingly beautiful backdrop for guzzling copious amounts of alcohol and making a show of yourself… in a classy way of course. We headed down around 10pm on Saturday night and managed to nab a booth table looking out onto the water. Porn Star Martinis were our cocktails of choice and we wasted no time taking full advantage of the 2-4-1 offer. One sip of a perfectly executed Porn Star Martini and you’ve justified The Luna Card membership fee already – just a few rounds abusing the 2-4-1 offers with your friends and you’ve made it back in savings.

While the drinks may have delicious, we hit a snag when it came to scoping the talent. The thing is, our soul mates could have been in there that night, but we wouldn’t have seen them for a sea of inflatable blow up dolls and tacky Hen Do sashes. That’s right, the docks have been infiltrated by the Organised Forced Fun brigade. By the end of our second round of drinks, we’d opened up our booth to accommodate the shattered mums and nans; sipping on their orange juice and waiting for their offspring to tire of posing for pictures with a willy straw. God bless nans, they’re the best, but just not the kind of company we were aiming for.

(I have however, been to Circo on week nights many times & it’s Hen Do free; with plenty of attractive males so until Joe Anderson, rightly, outlaws bachelorette parties from the city, keep Circo to weeknight pursuits)

Bonus Feature: Fit location, Fit drinks and FIT barmen. The three F’s

Brooklyn Mixer

Where? Seel St 

The Luna Deal? Queue jump, free entry and 2-4-1 cocktails AT ALL TIMES

Public service announcement : it’s the annual tall, good looking men night out. Upstairs, Brooklyn Mixer. You’re welcome.

— zoeyv (@ZoeYak) June 29, 2014

They say you shouldn’t live life with any regrets, but I have one: the fact I was in a faithful relationship the night I posted that Tweet. Boy, it was like a smorgasbord of handsome eligible bachelors. Now, single and ready to sample the hot hors d’oeuvres that I know Brooklyn Mixer is good for, I was hoping it wasn’t a case of sod’s law; that now I’m single the only lads around would be your dad, two weeks after the divorce, with the lads celebrating his ‘freedom’.

We jumped straight to the front of the queue with our cards, much to the snarls of the girls lined up waiting to be let in from the cold, and headed straight to the bar to assess the situation. With the card allowing us 2-4-1 cocktails, we were able to down the likes of ‘Old Dirty Bastard’ and ‘Touch The Rye’ for the price of our usual boring vodka and diet cokes. Two bars (and many rounds in) and the card was definitely proving its worth. This is the kind of elite club I can get on board with.

Man wise, Brooklyn Mixer did not let me down. You see, the Ropewalks area is the shining jewel in Liverpool’s nightlife crown and Brooklyn Mixer certainly keeps it glistening. Handsome men, great music and amazing cocktails.

The smoking area has seats so if you don’t mind your future date to have a nicotine habit, it’s nice enough to linger around and see what comes your way. See, even when I’m out I have to find a way to be lazy and sit on my arse.

Bonus Feature: Each loo has it’s own mirror & a bit of a rest at the back for your bag to be plonked down on.



Where? Just off Concert Sq. (No, hear me out – just keep reading) 

The Luna Deal? Queue jump, free entry (£5 normally), Access to the VIP area 

Ahhh Concert Sq – like the bad ex boyfriend we slag off but always end up back at for one evening because, let’s face it, you’re guaranteed a good night. The problem with Concert Sq. had is that it got took over by wools and Hen and Stag parties but, as we’ve previously mentioned, they’re not playing by the rules and are wandering all over the city so lets reclaim Concert Sq. and have it as our own. I haven’t graced Level for many years; the last time I entered it was going by the name of Mood and I think I was there for a PA from Dave Benson Phillips on a student night (Feel free to judge but you’ll never hate me as much as I do myself for that). Things have changed and it’s all big music, cheap drinks and the ideal location if you’re pulling as part of a team. It’s full of big groups and it can leave you and your pulling partner with a whole selection to choose from. The Luna Card allows you access to the VIP area, normally reserved for booths spending a minimum of £100 – this means you can easily flirt your way onto a table and get involved with the bottles of vodka on offer. 

With Level being one of the top student venues, and £5 quid in, I suspect many students will be trying their luck to be let into The Luna Card club and spend their saved entry fee on more jagers… good job they have a strict entry policy right?  

Bonus Feature: It’s the perfect environment for a judge free, club neck

Be arsed with that queue…

So is The Luna Card worth applying for? Yes!! Not only is it the slickest looking membership card I’ve ever clapped eyes on, it’s currently only £65.00 for the year (if you’re out every weekend, this equates to £3 a night out). Once you factor in your savings over a few nights, it’s paid for itself. Plus, you can’t put a price on that smug feeling when you walk straight to the front of a queue on a cold, winter’s night while everyone else is outside shivering. And when vetting potential boyfriends, maybe you should add ‘Have you been accepted for a Luna Card?’ onto your initial dealbreaker questionnaire. Keep the riff raff out of your vagina… 

To find out if you’re the right candidate for a Luna Card, put your application in here – rumour has it that the price is going to go up very soon…


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