The Fine Line | Scouse Bird Problems

A guest blog by Ponderthepoint

You may not agree with a lot of my views because, while you are a girl who likes to keep up on the latest fashion trends and one of the most important things for you is to look good for your mates as much as anything (so they don’t call you a meff behind your back), I’m a lad who couldn’t give a fuck what Gok Wan said on his latest TV show, I just want to nail you and I want you to look good while I do it. The closest I come to talking about fashion is taking the piss out of the new Man United home kit because it looks like a table cloth, but that doesn’t mean my opinion is invalid; animals look attractive to get the attention of the opposite sex, resulting in mating and humans are no different. You might think you’re dressing to look fitter than Jenna the fat whale because you don’t want to become the grenade of your group of mates, but in reality, you’re dressing in an attempt to get slotted by most attractive male who will do it. It’s very simple science.

Scouse birds know more than most how important the eyebrows are, I’ve even seen them described as the nipples of the face and I agree, nicely shaped and maintained eyebrows do look good. What doesn’t look good is when birds take this too far and go ultra ‘”scouse” brow, scouse is in quotations because this look is not fucking scouse, scouse birds are known as being some of the most attractive and when the inside of their eyebrows are about 34 times wider than the outside, it’s not attractive. The alternative “scouse” brow is also not attractive and is best described by Jodie Lundstram when she called them “monstrous”, you know what else is monstrous? A fucking monster, and that’s what you’ll look like when half of your forehead is an eyebrow. If they were the nipples of the face they’d have them nipples that cover most of the boob and make you look like you had a solid 20 years of breastfeeding on your CV.  The first thing I think when I see a girl in the public eye with rollers in is, “fucking hell, going out tonight are we? Well in”. If girls only went out with their rollers in when it was absolutely necessary, the fact is that we wouldn’t see even half of the amount that we do every weekend. Sadly, it has become the cool thing to do, stop being a meff and get your pint of milk earlier in the day. It wouldn’t be okay for a lad to get three quarters of his head shaved, tell the barber he’ll be back in a bit, go and have a look at some clothes and do a bit of grocery shopping, then go back to finish it off, because he’d look like a tit and so do you. If you were getting ready to go out and the house went on fire I’d let you off for walking the streets in rollers, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these birds went shopping in the day only to come home to a night of Corrie and flicking their bean with curly hair for no reason at all.  Night-out-footwear is split into 3 categories, flats are worn by gimpy indie girls who are too cool to dress up, like it or not, feet are more of a sexual part of the body than you would expect, have you ever seen a porno where the woman isn’t wearing heels? If you have it was probably shit. I don’t know what it is about kitten heels, I can’t pin down the actual reason why they are so fucking disgusting but I can only imagine myself penetrating the wearer’s skull with them when I see them. If you’re going out, put some high heels on, they’re sexy, it makes lads want to bang you, I’m not even arsed if you’re 6 foot 6, that’s not an excuse, just don’t be necking anyone smaller than you.  There’s not much left to say from a lad’s perspective, unless I was bent then I’d bring up all sorts of shite about styles and brands or something I equally don’t give a fuck about, so here’s where I’ll cap it off. I like natural beauty, but on the flip side I also like fake tits, fake nails, fake eyelashes, fake lips and fake-non-wrinkles (botox), as long as you don’t glue one of them little fake gem things to your forehead for a night out then I’d probably smash you.  I told you you wouldn’t agree with a lot of my views. 


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