Scouse Bird Problems – Tips for surviving long haul

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Posted On: 14/11/2014

By: Scouse Bird

There’s nothing quite like the irresistable appeal of Australia or the call of the Caribbean but fuck me, it’s a long way to travel. I mean, it’s worth it in the end, obviously – Cuba could deffo beat Malia in a fight but yeh, it’s a long journey to get there. It can even be hellish in fact – here’s some tips on how to survive.

  1. Be Prepared – In the week before you travel make sure you download all your holiday reads to your kindle and your favourite shows to your ipad. Yes there’s wi-fi in the airport but with hundreds of other travellers trying to use it at the same time it’s invariably shit and usually not free. A long haul flight is very much ‘mind over matter’ so make sure you keep the mind occupied.
  2. Book the VIP lounge – Not only have you got to survive a flight which is at least 10 hours but you’re at the airport for a couple of hours each way too. Quite a few UK bank accounts give you free VIP airport lounge access as part of their account packages (along with other handy things like phone insurance, travel insurance and breakdown cover) – I’ve had this for years and it’s well worth it. Even if you don’t want to commit to a monthly fee a one off trip to the lounges costs between £15-20 a time but when you factor in that you get free alcohol (have you seen airport bar prices lately? Can I get an amen?!), free snacks, a comfy tranquil waiting area and free reliable wifi you begin to realise that it kind of pays for itself. The perfect way to get your holiday off to a great start. Plus you’re not in the main airport departure lounge with the plebs *hair flick*
  3. Go Premier if you can – We can’t all afford to upgrade our flights to first class or premier or whatever your airline offers but if you can, do. It’s a huge help. You can always try blagging it of course, “Hey check in girl, didn’t you kow it’s my 30th? And my honeymoon? And my dog just died? And I got my new dream job?” I mean it probably won’t work but the first rule of blagging school is always ask. Thomas Cook are relaunching their Premier offering late in 2014 after officially removing it about 5 or 6 years ago – at the time we flew to Mexico you could still upgrade-ish but not to a full Premier service. For £80 per person each way you got priority boarding, extra legroom (soooo much extra legroom) and ridiculously comfy seats. Not to mention dedicated ‘Premier’ staff. There were no free drinks etc but like I say they’re relaunching it soon, even just those little comforts like extra leg room and wider seats make all the difference to a long haul flight. I went long haul to Mexico with Monarch once, never again, they really needed to up their long haul game, I don’t think they even fly that route anymore – make sure you research your airline before you go too. 
  4. Sleeping on a plane is hard – Sleep is the ultimate way to pass the time but it’s harder than you think. Engine noise, sitting up straight, announcements, other passengers and time differences all contribute to it being absolutely solid getting 40 winks. You will look like an absolute twat but invest in an ostrich pillow, it’s like an eye patch, pillow and ear buds all in one. It’s still hard getting your head down but every little helps.
  5. Wear comfortable clothes – I know that skintight playsuit looks boss on you, especially with those 6 inch wedges but I swear down, 3 hours in and you’ll be begging for your fellas tracky. Do yourself a huge favour by wearing a loose fitting top, leggings and comfy shoes and forget the fantasy of looking like Kim Kardashian swanning through the airport in an uberglam ensemble.
  6. Vodka – Everything’s better with vodka, especially sleeping on a plane. Just don’t have too much and start acting like an arsehole to the air stewards, you’ll be in a whole world of trouble otherwise. Know your limits.
  7. Order a specialist meal – If like me, you’re a greedy bitch who can’t wait to eat then order a specialist meal. There’s so many more options now than just Vegetarian, you can go gluten-free, diabetic (for the low carbers), Halal – the possibilities are endless. Well not endless, there’s about 10 but you feel me yeh? But why order a specialist meal I hear you ask? Cos they get dished out first, before anyone elses. Insert smiley devil emoticon here.
  8. Make sure your seatbelt is always visible – Imagine this, after an hour of trying to get some sleep you’ve finally found a sweet spot and managed to doze off. You’re blissfully unaware than the plane is now going through a spot of turbulence and the air stewardess is shaking you awake to make sure your seatbelt is fastened. Grr. Fasten it over your blanket and they will not disturb.
  9. Get a window seat – If you can’t get an upgrade (with the boss Premier headrests) then at least get a window seat. Not only will you get the first glance of foreign shores/home but it’s also easier to lean against if you want to sleep.
  10. Bring socks – You’ll want to take your shoes off. Take socks, not only will they keep your feet warm but other passengers are less likely to get offended by your trotters – even if they are perfectly shellac’d in a neon hue.
  11. Make a comfort kit – After half a day of flying you’ll give your right arm for a make up wipe and a toothbrush. About an hour before I’m due to land I normally clean off all my make up and reapply it, brush my teeth in the toilet and spray on a bit of deodorant. Touch down feeling fresh and ready to tan.

Hope these help! Enjoy your flights 


Scouse Bird

Other articles you might like:

Mexico: Tips for Cancun

Italy: Touring Tuscany

Birmingham: The perfect girly weekend 

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