Scouse Bird Problems – Top 10 Festival Hacks

Posted On: 11/08/2015

By: Scouse Bird

Summer in the UK is all about the festivals – Glasto and Kendal Calling have been and gone but Bestival and V Fest are just around the corner. Here’s our guide on what you need, to do it in style and hack your way to the perfect festival experience.

A fit tent

You can’t just be rocking up to a festival in a shit tent. You want the world to know you’ve arrived and how gorgeous is this watermelon tent (£295) from Field Candy? Just don’t take any mushrooms and start trying to eat it… *eyes emoji*

If you fancy being a bit more practical then you can get a Colman Octagon tent (£210) from Outdoor Gear. I know it’s not a watermelon but we used this at Kendal Calling festival and oh my god, the difference it makes being able to get up and walk around in your tent is phenomenal – it took less than 15 minutes to erect and dismantle and the tent bag has wheels (which doubled up as an ale carrier on a trip back to the car. This is my recommendation 👍👍👍

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#TopTip – Even with the tiniest bit of rain, the place will get muddy. I’m talking rivers of mud. Help keep the mud out of your tent by keeping a washing up bowl of water outside the door with a scrubbing brush – before going inside just rinse off your wellies. Voila! Clean tent!

A plastic penis

No I’m not talking about bringing your rabbit along for the ride, although if that’s what you want to do then that’s your business. What happens when you want to go the loo and the nearest toilets are miles away and the act you’ve been looking forward to for months is about to come on stage? Getting naked in the middle of a field isn’t practical and neither is a 10 mile walk to the toilet block, especially not when you’ve broken the golden seal. Take feminism to the next level and buy your very own plastic penis AKA a She-wee; we’ve had rabbits for years anyway, it’s high time we weed standing up – these are life savers!

#Toptip – Go inside the lips rather than outside to ensure no spillage 🙈

Dry Shampoo

Some festivals have evolved to include on-site curly blows but really, can you be assed fighting over a hairdresser with a million other girls demanding the basic human right to great hair? Keep the grease at bay for as long as possible with some industrial strength dry shampoo – This Osmo two day styler blends really well (and only £2.99) whereas Rush Salons version smells amazing! 

#TopTip – Don’t get Superdrugs’s own brand, I’m sure it’s cooking oil in a bottle 

#TopTip2 – If you’re a brunette, get the brunette version; doing your hair in a tent isn’t always conducive to brushing the dry shampoo in properly and no one has ever bought the ‘my talc exploded all over the bathroom’ lie. Ever. Even less so in a tent. The Osmo version blends better than other brands I’ve used.

#BONUSTIP – If it’s roasting at the fezzy then fear not, dry shampoo also doubles up as chubby rub relief. Just a quick spray between the thighs. Trust me.

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Onepiece

These are the Gucci of the onesie world, I don’t even think you could call them a onesie, to do so would be an insult. They’re a thick jersey material instead of that jarg, sweaty Primark fleecy stuff, there’s pockets all over the show, they fit really well; even tall girls haven’t got a cat in hell’s chance of a camel toe AND they look boss. The hoods zip right up over your face as well so when it’s 3am and the temperature outside the tent drops from cold to baltic to fuckin frabs, your nose won’t be running and going blue. Last time I went camping I saw loads of people in these. They are a little more pricey than your average primark all in one though I’ll give you that but they have a sale one at the moment and you can pick one up for less than £40 (normally £100-300) AND if you use code FESTIVALHACK at the checkout they’ll give you a further 20% off for the next 36 hours so be quick. 

#TopTip – They’re the perfect partner for the she-wee as they zip up from the bottom as well as the top 😉

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Designer wellies

Bitch please, you can’t just wear ordinary wellies! Whether you’re gonna pick up a pair from St John’s or splash out on a full blown current season pair of Hunters, you gotta rep for the fashionistas. These cherry print ones by BOGS are fab and only £59.99 – Shop for them here – the handle is a lifesaver when handling muddy wellies!!

#TopTip – make sure you wear with a knee length pair of big thick socks to prevent wellies rubbing on your legs. Leg blisters – that shit hurts.

Solar powered charger 

What even’s the point of a festival if you can’t have a 867 second Snapchat story? (Seriously festivals, can yo sort out some good wifi? If everyone can get on social media it’s FREE ADVERTISING!) Portable power bars are great and all but they’re only good for one charge, and then what? Solar powered chargers are boss and will last the whole time you’re there – for less than £13 each (and charge 2 things at a time) you can’t argue. This is definitely my number one festival essential – I’ve got one, they work (althought the £39.99 I got works so much better than the £13 version so make sure you get quality) It doesn’t even need to be sunny, there just needs to be light. Buy £13 one here. or the £39.99 version from Groov-e.co.uk  

Water bag 

Boss for rinsing a She-wee and having a brush of your teeth without doing that 10 mile walk to the toilet block we discussed. Be arsed waking up with beef pot noodle death breath. I live these horrors so you don’t have to. The best fiver you’ll ever spend.

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A capsule wardrobe

You need to plan your outfits ahead. You want to look fab without having to lug half your wardrobe around. Pick a few key items that you can create a range of great outfits with. Flower hairbands optional. Have a read of our festival fashion guide here.

A pull along cart

How else are you gonna get all your ale from the car to the tent?? This one folds away too which is perfect for loading the car up with extra ale on the way down… Shop for it here. I CAN’T STRESS HOW GOOD THESE ARE!

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Camping Chairs

Foldaway camping chairs are perfect for getting ‘based’ while you’re watching the acts back to back. This one is PINK and only £7.99

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#TopTip – Get the foldaway ones with the carry bag. You can smuggle 4 cans of ale in each one (two in the legs and two in the chair) which is perfect for the festivals who don’t allow alcohol in the main arena. Booo.

#TopTip2 – On the subject of alcohol smugging – a couple of caprisun pouches of vodka down the bra is always a winner and -bonus – instant boob job. This is even better if it’s raining and you’re wearing layers and a poncho 👍 – the rain can be your friend!

For more alcohol smuggling solutions read this.

Enjoy your summer everyone!

XOXO

Scouse Bird

Hey birds and boys, just leave me your contact details and you won’t miss a single article I post XOXO

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