11 things you only know if you live with a Scouse bird

Living with anybody is all about give and take. But living with a Scouse bird? You’d better be prepared for that.

Maybe you’re moving in with your girlfriend and already have suspicions that she’s a bad crank. Or maybe you’ve moved in with a Scouse bird at uni. I’m going out on a limb here, but perhaps you ARE a Scouse bird! Think you’re easy to live with? Think again!

Here’s a handy user’s guide to living with a Scouse bird. What to expect, which things to look out for… and when you should run!

1. Leopard print washes

Everybody puts different coloured clothes in different washes. Well, when we can be bothered anyway. Reds go together so they don’t turn a white shirt pink for example. You know you live with a Scouse bird however when you not only have to put dark colours together and light colours together… but you have to do a seperate wash for leopard print colours too.

2. Hair pins

This is how the Scouse bird marks her territory. Bobby pins everywhere. On the sink. On top of the toilet. Hidden in the bedsheets. In the cupholders in the car. Everywhere you look, hair pins. Then when she needs one, she’ll yell, “Where’ve all me pins gone?” and go to buy a hundred thousand more. Where are they? Where AREN’T they, more like.

3. Fake tan stains on the bed sheets

You quickly learn living with a Scouse bird that white bed sheets are a risky business. Maybe it’s time to branch out, get some of those fancy M&S ones with colours or patterns. Because fake tan transfers onto white sheets quicker than a Deliveroo bank transfer. Nobody wants their bed sheets looking like CSI: Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

Of course you could dave your bedsheets from the aforementioned stains with this ingenious Tansie – a onesie designed just for post tan.

4. One brow is always better than the other

Ask any Scouse bird. When she does her eyebrows in the morning, one is always better than the other. For the day, that brow is the boss. You’d better start taking your orders from it.

5. RuPaul’s Drag Race is on constant rotation

You had no interest in drag queens before. The Scouse bird you live with had no interest in them before. But ever since she watched an episode of RuPaul on Netflix, they have taken over. You know all their names, the winners, the shady queens, everything. Even if you don’t want to.

6. You see them in their loungewear WAY more often than any actual clothes

As soon as the Scouse bird shuts her front door behind her, the public image is ruined. Handbag dropped the second the door slams. Bra slingshotted across the room, sweatpants on and then she’s not going anywhere. Meaning you’re about to get send the shop.

7. You can make another scouse bird out of all the hair she sheds

Seriously, you might as well have a border collie living with you. The amount of hair you’ll find around the gaff living with a Scouse bird is incredible. Legend has it the Scouse bird needs this thick winter coat to survive the Liverpool seasons. But nobody knows for sure.

8. Curly blows take pure time

If a Scouse bird is going the hairdressers to get her hair and make up done, that’s a full day commitment. She comes back with it curly if it’s usually straight, straightened if it’s usually curly. She looks perfect, a vision. You’d better tell her that too, lads, hint hint! Then it goes totally back to normal the second she washes it. Easy come, easy go.

9. A night out takes about 8 weeks of preparation

It’s not just about that full day in the hairdressers. Scouse bird Whatsapp groups are created. Negotiations are entered into. Bargains are made; who’s wearing what, where they’re meeting, where they’re going from there. Tantrums are had. Lifelong friendships are shattered and formed. Babies are born, live long and full lives and pass away peacefully in the presence of their adoring families. Then the Scouse birds decide to start off in Wethy’s and take it from there.

10. Candles EVERYWHERE!

The Scouse bird is not by nature religious. Even though she says “oh my GOD” a lot more than average. Nevertheless, her house looks like a fucking church. Wall to wall candles. Smelly ones, fancy ones, tea lights, tall ones, every available surface is nothing but candles. Thanks for all your hard work, Merseyside Fire and Rescue, Scouse birds apologise in advance.

In fact, candles are planning take over from fellas entirely. With this ‘Sauvage’ scented candle she can have the entire house smelling like fit fella with none of the hassle of dealing with a fit fella.

11. Telling her to calm down

If you’re a certain age and you remember those Harry Enfield sketches, saying “calm down, calm down” seems almost natural to a Scouser. Don’t be fooled. If the Scouse bird you live with is not calm, under no circumstances should you tell her to calm down. It’s like a red rag to a bull.

What are your best and worst parts of living with a Scouse bird? Have I missed any? Let me know with a comment!


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