Slimming World isn’t just a weight loss club, it’s like a secret society. Here’s some things you’ll only know if you’ve ever joined…
1. You’ll wear the exact same clothes to weigh in every week – “I don’t care how nice my new jeans are, denim costs lbs and I ain’t sacrificing pizza all week only to have my weight loss sabotaged by some heavy fabric.”
2. Likewise, if you have had a bad week mainlining chocolate, you’ll spend an extra 10 minutes getting dressed in the morning trying to figure out which clothes weigh less. Yes it’s fucking freezing and it’s the middle of January but I WILL wear that floaty chiffon beach dress that only weighs 100 grams.
3. There’s always someone called Sandra who’ll bore the crap out of everyone at group with a 20 minute sob story about how she’s put on 3lb because she ate 20 sausage rolls at her cousin’s wedding buffet. Again. STFU Sandra, keep it short and sweet, none of us have eaten before group and we’re getting hangry.
4. You will not eat anything at all before weigh in… even if it’s at 7pm.
5. You’ll be furious at your own body because without fail every week, you need a big poo as soon as you get in from class. Hello bowels, could have done with this help before I got on the scales!
6. There’s always someone in class called Karen who goes on 42 cruises a year.
7. You think the X Factor have good sob stories? Wait until you try and see someone justify putting on 2lbs at a SW class.
8. You will not be able to resist Instagramming your tea every night complete with syn value – even though no one else knows wtf you’re on about and your culinary skills mean that although it tastes fit, it looks like cat sick.
9. You’ll have a speech prepared for when someone says, “Thought you were on a diet, should you be eating pasta?” – Well, ACTUALLY Dave…”
10. You’ve lost 3lbs, yasssss slay! Time to celebrate with a chippy on the way home and a bottle of prosecco.
11. You will legit save all your syns all week and live on nothing but stir frys so you can down an entire bottle of vodka on Saturday night.
12. Syns eaten during a hangover or from your fella’s plate don’t count. 👀
13. Syns you don’t record in your food diary don’t count. 👀
14. You’ve joined at least 3 times before and next time you join you just smile at the consultant like nothing ever happened and you totally didn’t ignore the 10 ‘U ok hun?’ texts she sent you last year.
15. Positive vibes only – never hate on anyone. Apart from that woman from group that actually LOST weight over xmas – the smug cow.
16. You did an internal fist pump when you found out Iceland started doing Slimming World ready meals. Is right, was getting a bit sick of microwaving jacket potato and beans every day in the office canteen.
17. Every time mullerlight release a new flavour yoghurt you go out and buy 36 of them and get sick of eating them after 3 days.
18. You’re the only person you know who eats curly wurlys. Only 6 syns though!
19. Syn free chips save lives.
20. You’ll go out for a meal with all the best intentions but as soon as you’re 2 glasses of wine in, your mentality is ‘eat first, syn later’.
21. Actually, your mentality is ‘eat first, syn later’ about most things. Don’t tell your consultant.
22. You keep swerving your consultant’s friend request on Facebook ‘cos you can’t be dealing with the guilt of her seeing pics of your Friday night Dominos feasts.
23. If it’s 1 syn for half a pack of somthing, and 3 syns for the whole pack then obviously if you eat the whole pack and have a little gap of at least 5 minutes between halves then it’s deffo only 2 syns now. 👀
24. Frylight is your best mate.
25. You’ve taken ‘unlimited pasta’ as a personal all you can eat challenge at least once until you realise it’s ‘eat until you feel satisfied, not eat until you think you might pass out’
26. You’ll turn on healthy foods you once loved. Avocado you big fraud, you told me you were all ‘good fats’ but for 9 syns you can PISS OFF.
27. Due to the huge amounts of fruit and veg you’re eating you could probably legally declare yourself as a wind farm and solve the global energy crisis.
28. The price of fruit and veg compared to Maccies and Koka noodles makes you fume and you realise you’ve turned into your mum.
29. There’s always one gang of women who always sit together in the same seats every week and you’re working up the courage to get to group early and sit there because you wanna see the shit hit the fan.
30. When you get asked to do the weigh ins or the raffle you know you’ve made it into the upper echelons of the groups’s social hierarchy.
31. You can’t figure out why chocolate bars are decreasing in size but the syn values are staying the same.
32. There’s always a loud mouth in group who blames her weight gain on eating too many bananas.
33. Tryng to pretend that two Warburton thins with a tin of stewed steak is exactly the same as a Gregg’s steak bake – which it is as long as you completely suspend your grip on reality.
34. Lashing a load of random shit from the freezer in the slow cooker and calling it something exotic like “Hearty winter log fire essence chicken” because after making a few meals from scratch, you’re basically Heston now.
35. There’s always a totally obsessed member who writes everything everyone says in a little notepad and when you’ve lost 4lbs she wants to know what time you ate your cheese on Tuesday and whether or not you weighed Monday night’s bubble & squeak.
36. When you first join, you’re all over the books like you’re revising for an exam but by week 3 they’re lashed because you know it all now and end up freestyling yourself back to weighing more than when you started.
37. There’s deffo someone who uses the class as a free form of therapy. I’m so sorry that your husband is an alcoholic, that’s really sad but I’ve got a chilli in the slow cooker at home and I haven’t eaten all day Sue.
38. You’ve tried to make a pizza base out of scan bran
39. You’ll buy every single recipe book and never make anything from it.
40. It’s perfectly acceptable to whip out a whole packet of ham wherever you are and start devouring it. It’s free after all.
41. There’s always a hi-fi bar or 10 rattling round in your handbag.
42. You’re the only fucker who’s ever heard of Quark.
43. Which is weird, because now you use Quark for everything. How do people live without Quark?
44. You’ll swear blind that Frylight is the devil and ruins all your pans rather than admit you just buy cheap pans.
45. You’ve made the mistake of stockpiling Fibre One bars because the Asda actually had them in stock for fucking once and ended up ‘accidentally’ spending an extra 80 syns on them because there was a huge pile of them looking at you every time you went in the kitchen.
46. You know someone who’s lost a pound and started posting inpirational weight loss statuses and talking about their ‘journey’.
47. They’re probably the same person who when they lost 2lb started posting before and after pictures of themselves in grey, baggy underwear asking strangers if they could see a difference yet. Sorry Sharon, not really, but well done for not eating your body weight in cheese this week, you go girl.
48. You’re following the porky lights scandal with more interest than Brexit, the Trump election and the latest Eastenders, Corrie and TOWIE storylines combined.
49. Still gonna count them as half a syn though. 👀
50. You know it’s one of the easiest diets you’ve ever done, it genuinely teaches you good eating habits and to be honest, after seeing the weight fall off with minimal effort, you’re actually just a bit pissed off at yourself that you never joined ages ago.
(By the way, none of this is endorsed by Slimming World and following the advice here probably won’t result in weight loss 😂)
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