Scouse Bird Problems – Which Mid-Twenties Girl Are You?

Posted On: 29/01/2016

By: Jen Wood

Your twenties are a confusing time. It’s where you do all your growing and finding yourself as a person. While they can be fun-loving and carefree at times (and the sad reality is that you’re never going to look this good again, so make the most of it), it can also be bewildering, lonely and shit scary. Here are the three categories you’ll probably fall into by the time you hit your mid to late twenties – which one are you?

The Mummy

You don’t even have to have a kid to be a ‘mummy’. By the same token, you can be a mum but don’t act, dress or want to be known for your mummy abilities alone. The mummies are so wrapped up with being mumsy they are mummified. They start to dress in Next, Wallis and Debenhams – for casual and dressy clothes alike. They get inspired by the latest Bob trend but get their hair cut in a plain mid length style which frankly looks a bit rubbish up or down. On a rare occasion when they venture out of their homes after 9.45pm they are definitely wearing black which they pair with kitten heels on a night out because they can’t quite face to wear Kurt Geigers anymore.  

For these women I feel bad, not because they frown on me when I post another selfie after I’ve stumbled out of Brooklyn Mixer on Saturday Night, but because their lives will be just like that for the next 30/40/50 years. Come on girls! We are in our late twenties, not fifties, I understand it’s nice to get cosy in our onesies and eat Dominos until we’re in mini food comas but surely this is better when you are hungover?! Maybe these girls should grab their kitten heels and act like an alley cat, for at least one more night in your twenties at least…


The Settlement

This is relationship territory, not a ‘He hasn’t text me back in 3 days and keeps liking slaggy girl’s selfies’ relationship but a serious relationship. Girls who end up in settlement land are no longer phased by the fact they aren’t painting the town red every week and instead are happy to be painting the hall magnolia. Girls who are happy in relationships no longer mind that they aren’t flagging taxi’s in bare feet, with half-eaten cheesy chips and a garlic pizza chaser at 6am after stumbling out of G Bar; instead they have been happily spooning their loved one for hours, after a takeaway and a night in watching X Factor. They attend social events together, their Facebook and Instagram accounts no longer feature endless selfies and single girl quotes but pictures of them being a little pair; like gloves. When you love each other it’s one of the best feelings in the world, but when things turn sour you can feel like a caged bird and long for the ‘right swiping’ days to return.

This zone is tricky at this stage in our lives, we feel like the one we get with (or have been with for a number of years) should be The One at this age. No pressure! So, a lot of the time, when the happy couples realise how happy they are, the girls hang up their tan mitts and enter into the settle down zone and often the house, hen do and baby follow.  Some of us are so desperate to find our perfect mate that we grab at the first match on tinder and before you know it start posting kissing selfies and watching Netflix marathons with Mr ‘You’ll Do’.

For anyone who is happy in a relationship and has found the perfect mate, hats off to you. This doesn’t mean you’re boring, it just means you’re content and enjoy staying in as much as going out.

For those who are still looking – please don’t ever settle for second best in order to settle down – that is one fatal move. You’ve got plenty of time and life can change in the blink of an eye.


The Party & Bullshit Girl

It becomes increasingly hard to maintain your party lifestyle when you’ve lost some of your best party partners in the ‘land of the settled’ and to ‘the mummy clan’ so you might have to enlist some younger mates or GBF’s if you’re not quite ready to pass on the party baton. You’re a long time old and even worse, a long time dead so fuck it, this year why not be at every street party, fezzy and night out you can find. Drink from the shot glass of life!

Although it’s still boss going out all the time, there are the odd moments when you realise you can’t really go to Slaters for a quad Vod anymore without looking like you’re about to draw your pension. You feel you shouldn’t really be posting as many selfies as you still do, especially as your mates are just posting baby and wedding pictures constantly. The older you’re getting the more sceptical people become of whether you’re really enjoying your fun loving ways, but don’t despair, you’ll always be safe in Liverpool; having a laugh is what this city is all about. So lap it up! Life’s not always the party we want, but while we’re here let’s dance!


Whatever category you fit into (or even if you don’t think you fit into any) make sure that future you, the deathbed you, if asked, wouldn’t change a damn thing about their twenties – i.e. if you’re not happy, change it.


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