Scouse Bird Problems – Survival guide for students


Posted On: 07/09/2014

By: Zoe Delaney

In 2008 I made one of the best decisions of my life and accepted a place at the University of Liverpool. I’m not renowned for making great life choices (a quick look on Facebook at who I’ve been out with will confirm that) but the fact I’ve stuck around, six years on, seems to suggest that this was a wise move.

This month will see endless amounts of articles offering students advice but they tend to be aimed at wet wipes. “Make sure you keep an emergency ten quid in your shoe just in case you’re robbed” and “Make a note of the local police station’s number, just in case” are some examples of what I’ve seen. If you’ve managed to get into university then I’m sure you can manage to keep yourself safe while studying. He’s some actual useful advice:

  • You know them people that say “Don’t shit where you eat” when discussing the politics of whether you should sleep with people you live with? Avoid them. This is the one time in your life where you can sleep with someone you live next door to –once you graduate your neighbours don’t tend to be as easy to stumble into bed with. Sleep with whoever you want to and if someone tries to lecture you about sleeping around then sleep with them too – that’ll shut them up.
  • Swerve University organised events. Roller discos? Traffic light parties? They’re for virgins.
  • No-one gives a shit about what you got at A Level, not even your tutors or future employers (Seriously, they never check. Not that I’m encouraging any of you to lie…..) 
  • On a similar note, no-one gives shit if you were coolest kid in school or you used to eat your butties in the toilets because you had no mates. University is a great equaliser so don’t turn up thinking you’re Mark Wright just because you fingered a few birds at school.
  • GET A FUCKING JOB. Unless you’re doing a course like Medicine or veterinary studies then you’re going to have a lot of free time on your hands. Get a part time job and do a few hours a week. It’s a great way to widen your social circle and get to know the city. Also, every time I hear the phrase “I’m skint, I’m a student”, I kick a kitten so it’s in your hands.
  • Locate your nearest Home & Bargain and stock up on Koka Noodles. This is the one student stereotype I will actively encourage due to Koka Noodles being so damn delicious. 
  • Prepare yourself for bullshitting taxi drivers. I’ve been driven around by at least 30 of Wayne Rooney’s cousins and several of Steven Gerrard’s schoolmates. Honestly cabbies, I may be a wool but you can’t pull the wool over my eyes.
  • Accept the fact that you’ll learn some pretty crappy facts about your hometown in a futile attempt to defend it. Did you know Preston has Europe’s largest bus station? Or is home to the UK’s first ever KFC? No, neither did I until I went to uni and suddenly ‘Shit facts about Preston’ become my Mastermind specialist subject.
  • Have a night off from the drinking games now and again. They slow you down and who can be arsed having to locate a pack of cards before having a bevvy? I don’t think I’ve ever played a game of “Never have I ever” and not drank on every single round – I’m not a bad slag, I’m just thirsty! 
  • The Raz may be an absolute shithole but you will have some of your greatest nights there.  I was once told that FHM voted it “The easiest place to pull in Europe” and the drinks are dirt cheap so nothing more needs to be said about the place – get there the first Monday you can.
  • Top Tip: Invest in some Raz Shoes (and by ‘invest’ I mean ‘buy some cheap shoes you won’t care get ruined’) and never wear anything you don’t want to be accessorised by cider and black stains and the smell of sweat and desperate students.
  • Quickly learn that Concert Square isn’t all that. Liverpool is home to some of the greatest nightlife in the country and none of it is in Concert Square. That being said, Concert Square is kinda like that ex you go and shag when you’re feeling a bit down – it perks you up at the time but the next day you’ll wake up feeling disgusted with yourself.
  • Don’t get into the whole Uni Rivalry thing too heavily – Liverpool doesn’t have a boat race across the Mersey and to be quite honest, it’s the definition of ‘Middle Class Bantz’. Uni of Liverpool is a red brick so can be a tad harder to get into but JMU gets fitter lads swanning around in grey trackies so it really is swings and roundabouts. (That being said, snide digs at Hope are allowed now and again as I’ve heard their application process involves just successfully finishing a colouring in book without eating the crayons)
  • Don’t live your first year by “Fuck it, 40%”. Yes, your first year counts for nothing and you only need 40% to continue but don’t get too slack with your studies. Put a little bit of effort in otherwise second year will hit you like a tonne of bricks. (I’ve actually offered some sensible advice – I’ve surprised myself here.)

Guest blog by Zoe Delaney, follow Zoe on twitter here, I promise she’s hilarious.


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